Rule #1: Dogs are never permitted in
the house. The dog stays outside in a
specially built wooden compartment
named, for very good reason, the dog
Rule #2: Okay, the dog can enter the
house but only for short visits or if his
own house is under renovation.
Rule #3: Okay, the dog can stay in the
house on a permanent basis provided
his dog house can be sold in a garage
sale to a rookie dog owner.
Rule #4: Inside the house, the dog is
not allowed to run free and is
confined to a comfortable but secure
Rule #5: Okay, the crate becomes
part of a two-for-one deal in the
garage sale, and the dog can go
wherever the heck he pleases.
Rule #6: The dog is never allowed on
Rule #7: Okay, the dog can get up on
the old furniture but not the new
Rule #8: Okay, the dog can get up on
the new furniture until it looks like
the old furniture and then we’ll sell
the whole works and buy new
furniture on which the dog will most
definitely not be allowed.
Rule #9: The dog never sleeps on the
Rule #10: Okay, the dog can sleep at
the foot of the bed only.
Rule #11: Okay, the dog can sleep
alongside you, but he’s not allowed
under the covers.
Rule #12: Okay, the dog can sleep
under the covers but not with his
head on the pillow.
Rule #13: Okay, the dog can sleep
alongside you, under the covers with
his head on the pillow, but if he
snores, he’s got to leave the room.
Rule #14: Okay, the dog can sleep
and snore and have nightmares in
your bed, but he’s not to come in and
sleep on the couch in the TV room,
where you’re not sleeping. That’s just
Rule #15: The dog never gets listed
on the census questionnaire as
“primary resident,” even if it's true.